These Photographs

Today as I was on my way to class I realized I had forgotten to take a photo of a document that I had to send to the Peace Corps office. I snapped a photo, clicked the memory card directly into my computer to save a few precious seconds, and set out to the school. It was more of an afterthought than anything.

I’ve been home alone for the past week; just me and my thoughts. I only have so many hours of HBO specials on my computer and eventually, I knew one night I’d be left alone to deal with myself. That night turned out to be tonight. I came to my room and searched through my computer folders and realized that I have nothing left to enfold myself in. Half a day! I don’t know how Thorough did it, just him and that silly lake.

I climbed into bed and realized that my memory card was still in my computer. It actually scared me to look at it! My own life, the past three years of it, stored on this little piece of technology. I guess it’s just one of those days when it seems to taunt me instead of serve of remembrance of happy memories. “Look what you used to have, sucka!”

Regardless, I just spent the last half hour sitting in an apartment enjoying second Christmas, watching the Superbowl with friends, lounging in the Caribbean, going on snowy photo shoots in DC alleyways, playing fancy flipcup games on my old balcony and dressing up. I enjoyed traditions, vacations and time with friends all over again. I saw people change. I watched people I love grow up, and make choices, and move on with their lives. I saw a friend I met at a beer pong table in college grow into himself, find his sexuality and embrace his strength. I watched friends fall in love, and others get married. Some people, after a while, weren’t in the photos anymore, and sometimes new people appeared.

Sometimes it’s hard here when I realize that so many of the good things that I had won’t be the same again. I never thought at the time, “this is the last time.” I guess I had convinced myself that when I went back home parts of my life wouldn’t have changed. But I took myself out of the pictures and life carried on.

A friend of mine gave me advice that I thought would be easy to follow but has proved, somehow, to be anything but. He told me that I’m here, I’ve left things behind and I need to live here. I need to be in the moments as they come, and stop thinking about what’s behind and ahead of me. So I smiled at the three years of photos and the memories, and the wonderful things that I was able to experience, and I put them away to take a look at what I have today. This is a taste of the latest stop along the road: the memories shared with all of the other people who left their photographs behind.